True Love is back, better than ever, now with the Elephant position

A few days after the extremely sweet and intelligent Kenyan blogger Kellie complained about the magazine True Love not living up to her high sexual expectations, the publisher (East African Magazines - EAM) folded. Kellie - the gorgeous 'innocent babe seeking education wherever she can find it where bedroom matters are concerned' - bought a copy of True Love because of the fabulously headlined article: ‘Don’t try this at home! Lessons from couples who get the sex right’, only for her hopes to be totally crushed when she read the full article ("the article read like something written by church people to teach the unmarried youth about sex"). Now, everybody should know that you better don't get an influential blogger like Kellie against you. So this disappointment also meant the end of True Love. RIP.

Kenyans are now looking for alternative sources of information. So there is this popular video on YouTube - filmed in Kenya - which I highly recommend:



Yes, yes, I do know mine is bigger than that. And I do know mine is not S-shaped like that. So it may not be very relevant to my own sexual escapades. But still, I think that watching this elephant clip (and listening to the hilarious comments by the lady watching all this) is actually a very good alternative to reading True Love. Or not?

The good news is also that the 'Elephant position' is part of the Kama Sutra. The Elephant position is similar to the too widely known and practiced doggie style, except that the woman lies flat or almost flat on her stomach as a start.

Read on if you really want to know more about the 'Elephant position', as I will explain it in 4 easy steps. Leave now if you don't need to know more about it.

Step 1
Lay with your face down on the bed or other surface, resting your forehead, forearms and breasts on the surface while raising your hips and buttocks high. Have Rafiki sit upon his bent knees, guiding his lingam (penis) into your yoni (vagina) and have him hold you firmly at the hips, rocking in the sexual congress of the Elephant position known as 'Aibha'. Rafiki may vary this position slightly by wrapping his arms around your waist, stimulating your clitoris as he performs Aibha.

Step 2
Lift your body so that you are pushing yourself up with your palms while Rafiki remains inside of you.

Step 3
Bend your legs at the knees, allowing Rafiki to grip your ankles and arch your back. Rafiki should slide his knees slightly between your spread legs, pushing with a sharp upward motion in this Elephant position called 'Hastika'.

Step 4
Adjust your body so that you are laying on your side with your knees bent as Rafiki enters you from behind to perform the Elephant position 'Nagabandha'. Rafiki should slide one hand between your legs, stimulating your clitoris as he works the position, and bring you to sexual bliss.

Amen!

The Moipei Quartet - Kenya's musical angels

The Moipei Quartet

Well, you may already know that I hate most of our local Kenyan music. But once in a while, there are some refreshing Kenyan sounds to be discovered, such as Sauti Sol or Daddy Owen.

And today I am introducing you to some heavenly Kenyan angels. The Moipei triplets Mary, Martha and Magdalene and their younger sister Seraphine form the all girl music group, Moipei Quartet. These talented Maasai girls have very beautiful voices (well trained by their father Nicholas ole Moipei who is also their teacher) and often perform 'a capella' or accompanied by piano only, mostly in classical styles. Some of their songs also bring us a message, like Mbiu ya Mgambo, which highlights the plight of girls in the Maasai community.

The Moipei Quartet's debut CD (+bonus DVD) is finally out! It's now available at Nakumatt, entitled 'The Moipei Quartet - In the Land of the Lion', and you may want to have a look at the preview below.



Also please put the Moipei family in your prayers as Seraphine Moipei, the youngest of the quartet singers, was admitted to hospital in January with a brain tumor. Fortunately, she's now out of hospital and getting better.

UK kids watching Kenyan television soap

The Kenyan TV programme Makutano Junction is gaining new fans and challenging old ideas in UK schools. Kenyan viewers have been caught up in tales of people who live, do business, fall in love, get sick or get drunk in the fictional town of Makutano. But more surprisingly, viewers now also include school students in the UK watching the soap in the classroom, where it is being used as an awareness raising teaching aid. And it has got the children hooked.

Makutano Junction is an ‘edutainment’ soap series, delivering messages like how to prevent malaria, or how to live with HIV and AIDS.

UK teachers attend induction days, where they are familiarised with programme and supporting material – including a website, and explore how to use them in lessons. With cultural awareness an increasingly important part of UK education, a global dimension is now compulsory in the secondary curriculum, and teachers need to find ways of including it. After watching clips from the programme, children are encouraged to discuss – or develop role plays – based on issues raised in packaged themes such as Exploring Kenya; Living with HIV and AIDS; the Millennium Development Goals and Me.

“It’s fascinating when you go into these schools,” says Lloyd Morgan, one of the programme makers. “I find it really shocking what kids’ perceptions are – it’s quite an eye opener. Their perceptions are that Africa is very hot, very dirty and very poor, with lots of wild animals and mud huts. Then we show Makutano. In it we have got characters who are dressed smartly, paint their nails and wear groovy jeans.”

So what do British children make of Kenya’s skyscrapers, people who wear fashionable jeans, own a business and use mobile phones? At first, they can be surprised. Lloyd Morgan recalls, “One boy said, 'But Miss, she has a mobile phone. They don’t have mobile phones in Africa.’” Challenging stereotypes is a large part of what the initiative is about.

Back here in Kenya though, we have now realized that Shuga is a more exciting approach for reaching our young people. Shuga follows the lives and loves of a group of cool young students whose bright lives and fabulous futures are balanced on a knife-edge due to their love of risk and danger. It's a story about sex with a great story line and good actors. So why are UK kids still watching Makutano Junction? What do you think UK kids should watch? Let us know in the poll below and feel free to write your observations as comment on this post.

Some ideas for Langata Women's Prison - Telephone by Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce

Lady Gaga advising Kenya's prison reforms

Kenyan prisons are ranked among the worst penal institutions in the world. But we are currently reforming our prisons and continuously looking for ways of improving conditions. The new video "Telephone" by Lady Gaga offers some innovative ideas in this respect, especially for Langata Women's Prison. The Government of Kenya is indeed committed to implementing reforms in prisons as a way of upholding the basic rights of both inmates and staff.

Langata Women's Prison

So have a look at the video and let me know what you think. But please note that the controversial video has riled the sensitivities of some people for its raunchy content, as it includes lesbian kissing, some boobies and a few parental-advisory-worthy lines. The video has received over 14 million hits just three days since its debut. “Telephone” opens with a bra-less Lady Gaga being escorted to her jail cell by two bra-flashing guards, as female inmates salivate at the new jailbird. Gaga is then stripped to her undies, prompting someone to quip: “I told you she didn’t have a d—.” Lady Gaga is rumored to have been born a hermaphrodite. The video also features Beyonce, who also shows a lot of skin.

Do you swallow or spit?

So you have a mouthful and you are not sure what to do? After timidly holding the liquid in your mouth, you stop to re-examine a question that had been on your mind before: to spit or to swallow? Well, some girls swallow, others don't. Whether you spit or swallow is completely up to you - tastes and preferences differ. When I announced the 3rd Annual Nairobi Wine Festival on Twitter, I indeed got some mixed reactions from my twiends:

• RookieKE @RafikiKenya I'll taste, not swallow.
• Queen_Lucky @RafikiKenya Problem is when tasting... I don't spit. I actually swallow. So imagine how drunk I get...

So @RookieKe doesn't swallow, but @Queen_Lucky swallows. To swallow or not to swallow, that's the question. Some people are advising to spit if you're tasting more than one liquid, and swallow if you are tasting that one unique vintage you always wanted to order.

The 3rd Annual Nairobi Wine Festival will be an opportunity to swallow or spit over 90 liquids from around the world, whilst enjoying live music and delicious bitings around the fabulous poolside at the Holiday Inn:

Event: 3rd Annual Nairobi Wine Festival
Venue: Holiday Inn, Westlands, Nairobi
Dates: Friday 19th March, 5 – 9pm; and Saturday 20th March, 3 – 7pm
Cost: Kshs 1,400/- per person.

Tickets are valid for one day only, and include unlimited swallowing or spitting, bitings and a branded wine glass to take home. Tickets available from The Holiday Inn and The Wine Shop in Kileleshwa. Tickets are limited, buy yours in advance to avoid disappointment! For more information call: 0716 555 118.

You can find some excellent reviews of last year's wine festival here and here.

And if you are still not sure which option to go for, here is a video that could help you in your decision:



And finally, here are my two questions to you:

1. Are you going to this year's wine festival or not?
2. And do you actually swallow or spit?

Booty Babe "Pride of the Maasai"

A couple of weeks ago, I asked you to suggest some new exciting characters to spruce up my boring blog. Binyavanga Wainaina's satirical piece "How to Write About Africa" offered some good advice ("Your African characters may include naked warriors, loyal servants, diviners and seers, ancient wise men living in hermitic splendour. Or corrupt politicians, inept polygamous travel-guides, and prostitutes you have slept with"). Readers of this blog agreed that it would be best to bring in a naked warrior.

A moran with his latest catch

So I started looking for naked warriors to blog about. The search was not easy. Some of my finds were fake. Did you know that Kikuyu's are disguising themselves as Maasai on the beaches of Mombasa? Yes, this is because Maasai morans are perceived to be erotic, and old or divorced women from the West come to look for them. Why are morans so attractive to these grannies? Well, morans are always niceley groomed and dressed in red and they also take a lot of herbs - some of which are known to have Viagra-like effects.

Anyway, while searching for naked warriors, I came across an interesting site, Booty Babe Art. Booty Babe Art is Spencer Davis’way of expressing his passion for fantasy art, toys, fashion design, and of course the wonderful variety of female beauty. The project is a tribute to the women that make our day, taking the very definition of “Booty Babe” to new levels.

Pride of the Maasai

A Booty Babe is generally a woman with curves. Waist to hip ratio is usually breath-taking. She’s not necessarily run-way model material, in the traditional sense, but she feels sexy and her self-confidence makes her glow. She’s not afraid to wear skin-tight outfits – and we love her for it. Now you’re getting the picture. You’ve seen her at the mall, in line at the bank, grocery shopping, and out dancing. She’s sweet and sexy, stylish and smart; and her body language states, “This is who I am, and I LOVE being me.”

Pride of the Maasai - front side

In 1998, with this in mind, artist Spencer Davis started adding clay to an otherwise skinny, 12" fashion doll. Numerous gallery exhibitions, and many iterations later, Spencer’s Booty Babe sculptures, have become his personal canvas with which he expresses his passion for toy collecting, foreign culture, female beauty, fantasy and low brow art.

One of Spencer's dolls is called "Pride of the Maasai". You will see from the pictures that she indeed has curves.

Pride of the Maasai - back side

I don't know why Spencer chose to refer to the Maasai when naming this doll. To me, the doll looks more like a girl from any other tribe in Kenya, but not the Maasai. In contrast to this curvy doll, Maasai are always very slim! According to some scientists, this would be mainly because of their protein-rich diet and high activity levels.

But whatever! To me, sizes don't matter, but IQ and a good sense of humor do matter. But of course, if brains and beauty and a nice booty all go together (which is quite rare, unfortunately), I won't say no.

Now, tell me, what are your perfect measurements? Or do you - just like me - focus more on IQ rather than size?

My predictions for the Oscars tonight

Gabourey Sidibe

Although I love the Césars more than the Oscars, here are my predictions for tonight's Oscar ceremony:

• Best Picture: The Hurt Locker (yes indeed, beating Avatar, and Avatar can get Best Director with James Cameron)
• Best Lead Actor: Jeff Bridges (for his role of a lifetime in Crazy Heart)
• Best Lead Actress: Kenyans with a taste for real women support Gabourey Sidibe's nomination (for her role in Precious), but I think Sandra Bullock (America's sweetheart playing a strong mom in The Blind Side) may still turn out to be the winner tonight.

What do you think? Could I be right or am I completely wrong with these bets?

The Placenta Party of Kenya - and a new national dish

Esther Arunga and Joseph Hellon held another press conference and revealed just how insane they are.

Their Political Party is called the Placenta Party of Kenya because according to Hellon the country is in a ‘gestation period’. And the party tag line is ‘taking back Kenya… change we can count on.’ You can see how Esther and Hellon announced their perverse political party in the video below:

Placenta, the new national dish of the Republic of Kenya?

Oh my God, what a name for a party, the Placenta Party of Kenya! If Hellon becomes President, we may have to abandon our nyama choma (roasted meat) and adopt a new national dish: the placenta. Yes, it is a dish! On this blog, a man goes into major about cooking up the placenta from a recent pregnancy and making a gourmet dinner party out of it. Check out the photos at your own discretion. I'm not easily shocked, but a normal person probably would be.

Eating the placenta is known as placentophagy. It is practiced by most mammals in the animal world, including many primates. Are you a primate as well?

Those who advocate placentophagy in humans, mostly in modern America and Europe, Mexico, Hawaii, China, and the Pacific Islands, believe that eating the placenta prevents postpartum depression and other pregnancy complications. A variety of recipes are known to exist for preparing placenta for eating in spite of the extended taboo against eating human body parts. Human placenta has also been an ingredient in some traditional Chinese medicines.

Almost convinced? Hellon will get your vote in 2012? So you better get used to cooking placenta by watching the short video.

Any suggestions for ways of localizing this disgusting practice in Kenya?

Some first ladies don't need a bra

My recent post on why I I love the Césars more than the Oscars - in which I highlighted Laetitia Casta's provocative see-through dress - drew some very interesting reactions:

Sibbie said...

She should consider having a boob job done on her if at all that's what she intends to be wearing!

kellie said...

@Rafiki look at the side view. The Cs are sagging. I think only A cups can successfully pull off a no bra dress.

Biche said...

Sorry Rafiki, I will have to agree with Sibbie and Kellie here. The side view breast sag was also the first thing I noticed in that second photo. But maybe it goes to show just how critical of ourselves we women are. Perhaps we should just learn to relax a bit and trust that we are sexy and beautiful just the way we are. :-) Hmmm, food for thought...

Mountainous said...

Gravity has not been kind!

French president Nicolas Sarkozy
and his current wife Carla Bruni
without bras

Carla Bruni with a smile and without bra

Well, maybe the French have not been reading these comments; or maybe they have been reading them and they just don't care. Or maybe some women can just do it, but others better don't. French first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy went without the support of a bra during a state dinner to welcome Russian president Dmitry Medvedev and his wife. The glamorous pop singer and former-model wore a tight blue Roland Mouret dress/gown to the formal occasion. She wore it so tight it exposed her lack of underwear.

I don't know whether our own First Lady, Lucy Kibaki, could become a fan of the bra-less movement as well. Well, maybe she shouldn't...

So you just go without a bra, right? Well, it's not quite that simple. Here are some tips on why you would want to go braless in the first place, and on how to transition from your over-the-shoulder boulder-holder.

Breast Health. Circulation within the lymphatic system is an all-important part of maintaining breast health. And bras compress the lymph vessels that are close to the breast's surface, preventing the flow of the lymph fluids that help to clear out toxins. Regular bra-wearing may well be responsible for the huge increase in breast cancer in modern times. So, many women choose to forgo bras for reasons of health and not just comfort. To women who feel compelled to wear a bra, consider massaging your breasts at the end of the day to increase lymph fluid circulation. (To the guys who are reading this, we're talking massage for the purposes of health and not arousal.)

The Nipple Factor. Ever heard of fripples? The possibility of prominent visible nipples is one of the biggest deterrents to many women who might otherwise go braless. Here are a few solutions to embarrassment over visible nipples:

• Nipple tape. Nipple tape comes in several different shapes and sizes but the primary idea is to compress the nipple to the level of the surrounding tissue, thus making it less distinctive. There are variations to the nipple tape theme, such as pasties or glue-on cups. Beware that some of these products are designed for function and others for decorative effect.
• Remember your jacket. When shopping for frozen foods, have a jacket or wrap close at hand. In a similar vein, you don't want to get caught braless in the rain.
• Vests. Vests are wonderful accessories for going braless with ease. There you are beneath your vest--fashionable, comfortable and braless--with no one the wiser for it. Vests may not be the best option in the current Nairobi heat.
• Don't look down. Let's face it, there will be eyes glued to your breasts, whether you're wearing a bra or not. But just because they're looking doesn't mean you have to.

Size Matters. Girls who are AA on a good day can wear just about anything without support, but those who are more well-endowed have a different set of problems:

• The flop factor. One issue for women with large breasts is that movement of the breasts can be painful, particularly at times of the month that breasts tend to be swollen or sensitive. Good posture can help to offset this effect.
• The modesty question. Big mammaries tend to migrate more than the smaller ones do: out of one's shirt, into one's face when you lean over, and so on. Your choice of clothing makes a big difference in this regard. Get a sense for which articles of clothing contain (but don't restrain) your breasts. Practice at home until you feel comfortable being out in public without a bra.
• Chafing. Large breasts can chafe the skin just beneath the breast. Sweating, rashes and even fungal infections are also possibilities. Many women find that silk and cotton camisoles worn next to the breast lessen these issues. Some women also apply antiperspirant beneath large breasts or carry a small towel to dry the area beneath their breasts on occasion, a "titty towel."
• Shelf bras. Shelf bras are pretty much what they sound like: a support built into an undershirt that basically provides a shelf for your breasts to rest upon. Unfortunately shelf bras tend to make your chest look like, well, a shelf, but they do provide some support.

Breast Fetishists aka "Breast Men". Most women are all too familiar with the mannerisms of this particular breed. During conversation, the man's eyes are glued to your mammaries to the point that you're tempted to start using sign language. Sociologists and anthropologists remain unsure as to why breast fetishism is as pervasive as it is. Meanwhile, get used to it, breast men are ubiquitous.

For some women, going braless (or "bra-free" as some women prefer to call it) is a political statement; for others, a question of comfort. If you'd like to read the experiences of other women who have "taken the plunge" check out GoingBraless.net, where women of all ages, shapes and sizes share their bra-free experiences.

American racist helping Kenyan men?

John Mayer is an American musician. Several high-profile romantic relationships and his involvement with the media caused him to become a tabloid staple. John Mayer dated Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly and Jennifer Aniston. His relationship with high-profile celebrities has led to a reputation as a "womanizer."

An February 2010 interview with Playboy magazine (I need some help here, which magazine is this exactly?) set off accusations in the media and on Twitter that he is a misogynist, a kiss-and-tell ex-boyfriend, and a racist, due to the fact that he referred to Jessica Simpson as "sexual napalm" and compared his penis to white supremacist David Duke. He apologized via Twitter for his use of the word "nigger," saying, "I am sorry that I used the ('N') word. And it's such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself," and "It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize...a word that is so emotionally charged." He also tearfully apologized to his band and fans.

John Mayer may be accused of being racist, but many Kenyan men would still like to be him (not that we don't have enough 'womanizers' in Kenya yet...). So men of Kenya, have a look at this hilarious instructional video:



Well, I now realize that not only saxophones are sexy, but a guitar can also offer great opportunities. So, have you learned something from this video? Or would you rather develop your own instructional video on how to get laid? Please share your ideas.

Why I love the Césars more than the Oscars

On Saturday night, the Césars ceremony was held in Paris. The Césars are cinema awards similar to the Academy Awards in the United States, except on a microscopic, specifically French scale.

The Césars are terribly famous in France, but essentially unknown everywhere else. Many of the awards go to people and films that will never be exported.

Nevertheless, I love the Césars more than the Oscars. Here's why.

French model-turned-actress Laetitia Casta, 31, let it all hang out at the awards in Paris. While other attendees kept it classy in sophisticated gowns, Laetitia Casta grabbed everyone’s attention with this hair-raising, eye-popping, totally see-through dress.

Laititia Casta has made forays into Francophone film and television productions, including Astérix and Obélix vs. César, a live-action film of the Astérix world in which she plays a potential love interest for Obélix. More recently, Laititia Casta appeared in Les Âmes Fortes, a dramatic film directed by Raùl Ruiz and she has been cast as Brigitte Bardot in the movie Serge Gainsbourg, vie héroïque (2010). Laititia Casta was also prominently featured in the music video for the Chris Isaak song "Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing" in 1999. Through most of the video, Casta was seen in a motel room and sexy lingerie while being watched by Isaak in the next room.

Laititia Casta has been the official face of L'Oréal, Dior, and Chanel. She was featured in Guess Jeans, Tommy Hilfiger, Miu Miu and XOXO advertisement campaigns. She has appeared on over 100 magazine covers including Victoria's Secret catalogs, ELLE magazine, and Vogue magazine. She also appeared in three consecutive Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues, Rolling Stone, and a Pirelli Calendar. And she is currently the face of Ralph Lauren’s newest fragrance, Notorious.

Can you imagine a celebrity showing up to an awards show in Kenya wearing this? Is this fashionable or sexy or not tasteful at all?